How I wind up on the Bible

I went to Italy to seek greener pastures. I was shocked to find life as ordinary as it is back home. So I told my hubby to take me back home. For two years he refused but God easened his heart to accept at last.
 When I returned back to Kenya, my life was hopeless. I had based my entire life on my hubby and baby and I had returned with neither. I was at the lowest point of my life. I wanted to die. I questioned this life thoroughly. I wondered why on earth I was existing.
 I had no material wealth and am glad I didn't because it would have been more pointless to live. Because no material wealth can buy eternal happiness. Temporary sure, but one would end up with alot of unnecessary meaningless things and all that buying would weaken the spirit living inside us. The Holy Spirit. Plus if you base your happiness on what you buy or how much you buy, your mind and heart will be deceived and you wont find any other reason to exist. You will say to yourself,"I bought alot yet I never felt happy."
 I was depressed and started planning on how I would exit this world. I was staying at my grandmas place. I thought of the easiest suicide. To sleep with a jiko on. The lack of air would suffocate my very life. It was perfect until my grandma asked me to leave the kitchen. I was angry that she would tell me of such a thing. She did not understand my pain. She had never been in my shoes, so I thought.(she is 90 and has seen all possible times. Good, bad, great and pain, so I am learning slowly. She even lost a daughter(my mom) and she is still braving it out. )
 I am a firstborn child and as firstborns, we tend to feel that the entire world is against us. I was never spoilt anywhere in my life. So I felt that I was never getting my happily ever after and that I would never( I have come to understand happily ever after only exists with Jesus). I have never valued the value of money because when I was in school, the teacher told us the story of Job. A very rich man who lost everything because of Gods favor. It was enough for me to never wish to be rich. If God would take it all away from me as a test, then why have it in the first place? And I don't think I would have had all the strength he had(Job). But now that I know God, I know all the strength comes from Him. Plus the story of the rich man and Lazarus stayed in my heart like buried treasure. God told the rich man He would visit him. God came as a beggar and the rich man missed out on God, expecting a very wealthy, clean man. There was also another story that Jesus taught about the rich man and the poor beggar who stayed at the rich mans gate. When the two died, the rich man burnt for eternity and the beggar got his goid rest in paradise for eternity. I never wanted to ever be rich and to miss out on a one on one with the Creator. So I kept wealth as far much as I could.
. At my grangmas place, it took me about 3 months to want to understand how God works. I claimed to know God but I had never really read His book on what He expects from me. I then started asking myself, "what if I die and God asks me whether I deserve a second chance? Would I really say that out of everyone else that am the one who got it the worst? How sure would I be that on His scale I would be correct to be the one to have suffered the most? What if He promises to be with me this time round? Then I thought, what if I'm already living as my second chance? Then I thought of the people in jail. If they could face life all through, no matter some serving crimes they didnt commit to the very end, wouldn't they stand against me on judgement day and say that I gave up too quickly? So I thought to myself: Why not do a good life to be on the safe side with God?Because if the punishment is to return unto this earth, then why bother trying to see God then assure Him that I will be a much better person? Why not do one good life or die trying to have aced it in His chart.
Life in this world is painful. There is alot of harmful acts that people are doing. So who can be brave enough to return? Not even the one who had favor with God can. When the Creator is quiet, this is not a place to live in. When you have to figure out things by yourself, this is not a place to return to, even as a different person. The pain will still feel the same. The emptiness that only Jesus fills fully will still be there. It is then that I took the Bible to understand why and my purpose. As I read the Bible, I am learning how God created this world. We are not supposed to have it all. Otherwise what sort of a God would make others suffer and others not. He is a fair and just God. Besides, many have braved out life as widows in the Bible. Others as women whose children were slain in times of kings who were told that new kings had been born. Others as slaves for 400yrs! Never even tasting what freedom felt like. They will stand up on judgement day and say they faced it out. P:S God brought us into this world. So only He can decide whether one doesn't deserve to be judged or not. Only He can decide ones fate after death. The power is all in His hands.